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In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Ba Dave


All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

Barry Dave


General notions are generally wrong.

Barry Dave


A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Barry Dave


I owe the public nothing.

Barry Dave


So little time, so little to do.

Barry Dave


Look ere ye leap.

Barry Dave


The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Barry Dave


Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Barry Dave


A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Barry Dave


Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Barry Dave


XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Barry Dave


Housework can kill you if done right.

Barry Dave


A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

Barry Dave


The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Barry Dave


Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Barry Dave


He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Barry Dave


Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Barry Dave


No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Barry Dave


Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Barry Dave


We're all in this alone.

Barry Dave


L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Barry Dave


Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Barry Dave


Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Barry Dave


Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Barry Dave


Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Barry Dave


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Barry Dave


Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Barry Dave


"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Barry Dave


Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Barry Dave


I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Barry Dave


Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Barry Dave


I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Barry Dave


It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Barry Dave


Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Barry Dave


Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Barry Dave


Many hands make light work.

Barry Dave


Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Barry Dave


The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Barry Dave


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Barry Dave


To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Barry Dave


The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Barry Dave


Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

Barry Dave


Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Barry Dave


"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

Barry Dave


Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Barry Dave


Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Barry Dave


A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Barry Dave


When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

Barry Dave


I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Barry Dave


One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Butler Dave


If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Dave


When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Dave Barry


I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Johnson Dave


Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Millman Dave


Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Parnas Dave


A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Thomas Dave


A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

de Dave Johnson on





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