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"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Ba Dave


A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

Barry Dave


There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Barry Dave


It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

Barry Dave


You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

Barry Dave


The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Barry Dave


The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Barry Dave


I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.

Barry Dave


Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Barry Dave


The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Barry Dave


If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

Barry Dave


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Barry Dave


Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Barry Dave


Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

Barry Dave


If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

Barry Dave


An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Barry Dave


The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Barry Dave


The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Barry Dave


The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

Barry Dave


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Barry Dave


Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Barry Dave


The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Barry Dave


Two heads are better than one.

Barry Dave


I knew her before she was a virgin.

Barry Dave


Business will be either better or worse.

Barry Dave


Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Barry Dave


It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Barry Dave


The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

Barry Dave


My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Barry Dave


The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.

Barry Dave


It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Barry Dave


There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Barry Dave


Every cloud engenders not a storm.

Barry Dave


Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

Barry Dave


Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Barry Dave


We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

Barry Dave


If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Barry Dave


Talkers are no good doers.

Barry Dave


Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Barry Dave


"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

Barry Dave


I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Barry Dave


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

Barry Dave


Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Barry Dave


If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

Barry Dave


He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Barry Dave


Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

Barry Dave


Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

Barry Dave


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Barry Dave


For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Barry Dave


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Barry Dave


We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

Butler Dave


Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

Dave


NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

Dave Barry


My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Johnson Dave


"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Millman Dave


The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Parnas Dave


Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Thomas Dave


Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

de Dave Johnson on





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"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
Bumstead Dagwood

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