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In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Ba Dave


When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Barry Dave


"Plaese porrf raed."

Barry Dave


Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Barry Dave


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Barry Dave


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Barry Dave


What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Barry Dave


He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Barry Dave


Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Barry Dave


Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Barry Dave


The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Barry Dave


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Barry Dave


A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Barry Dave


The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Barry Dave


"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Barry Dave


Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Barry Dave


After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Barry Dave


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Barry Dave


A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Barry Dave


From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Barry Dave


Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Barry Dave


Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

Barry Dave


If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Barry Dave


A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Barry Dave


When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Barry Dave


"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Barry Dave


Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Barry Dave


Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Barry Dave


Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Barry Dave


Knowledge is power.

Barry Dave


"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Barry Dave


The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Barry Dave


For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Barry Dave


The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Barry Dave


Set the cart before the horse.

Barry Dave


Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Barry Dave


When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

Barry Dave


Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Barry Dave


It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

Barry Dave


Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Barry Dave


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Barry Dave


The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Barry Dave


We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Barry Dave


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Barry Dave


Nothing endures but change.

Barry Dave


All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Barry Dave


Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Barry Dave


Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Barry Dave


Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Barry Dave


Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Barry Dave


Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Butler Dave


"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Dave


Think sideways!

Dave Barry


Look before you leap.

Johnson Dave


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Millman Dave


Men are superior to women.

Parnas Dave


Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Thomas Dave


By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

de Dave Johnson on





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Hindsight is always 20:20.
Wilder Billy

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