And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Look ere ye leap.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

There is no sin but ignorance.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Necessity hath no law.

I hate dying.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."