Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

I will make you shorter by the head.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.

Too much of everything is just enough.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was cons

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Imagine what we can imagine!

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian on earth believes.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.