To be or not to be.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

I have a very strange feeling about this...

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

To have died once is enough.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.