If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

When in doubt, use brute force.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

We're only in it for the volume.

If you want divine justice, die.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.