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All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Ba Dave


The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Barry Dave


Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Barry Dave


There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Barry Dave


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Barry Dave


It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Barry Dave


Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Barry Dave


Words have a longer life than deeds.

Barry Dave


One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Barry Dave


"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Barry Dave


"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Barry Dave


He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Barry Dave


Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

Barry Dave


Satire is tragedy plus time.

Barry Dave


Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Barry Dave


I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Barry Dave


Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Barry Dave


The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Barry Dave


You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Barry Dave


Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Barry Dave


There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

Barry Dave


The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Barry Dave


Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Barry Dave


An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Barry Dave


There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Barry Dave


The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

Barry Dave


I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Barry Dave


Innovation is hard to schedule.

Barry Dave


Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Barry Dave


Prizes are for children.

Barry Dave


The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Barry Dave


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Barry Dave


One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

Barry Dave


That's no moon...

Barry Dave


American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Barry Dave


The superfluous is very necessary.

Barry Dave


God is Dead.

Barry Dave


"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Barry Dave


Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Barry Dave


When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Barry Dave


One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Barry Dave


Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Barry Dave


There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Barry Dave


Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Barry Dave


A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Barry Dave


Business will be either better or worse.

Barry Dave


What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Barry Dave


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Barry Dave


I stick my neck out for nobody.

Barry Dave


Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

Barry Dave


Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Dave Barry





Random Quote


A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
Burgess Philip Larkin on Anthony

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Ba Dave
 
 
 
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