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I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Barry Dave


A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

Barry Dave


Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Barry Dave


Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Barry Dave


Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

Barry Dave


The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

Barry Dave


Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

Barry Dave


I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.

Barry Dave


The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Barry Dave


Nobody shot me.

Barry Dave


That government is best which governs least.

Barry Dave


Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Barry Dave


One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite.

Barry Dave


You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.

Barry Dave


A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

Barry Dave


Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

Barry Dave


Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

Barry Dave


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

Barry Dave


If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Barry Dave


Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

Barry Dave


I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Barry Dave


Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

Barry Dave


Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

Barry Dave


It's not easy, being green.

Barry Dave


It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

Barry Dave


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Barry Dave


The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Barry Dave


One big pile is better than two little piles.

Barry Dave


"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."

Barry Dave


People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out on the pleasure.

Barry Dave


All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Barry Dave


Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.

Barry Dave


"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

Barry Dave


You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Barry Dave


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

Barry Dave


People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Barry Dave


Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Barry Dave


The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Barry Dave


The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

Barry Dave


Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Barry Dave


A yawn is a silent shout.

Barry Dave


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Barry Dave


... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Barry Dave


That's no moon...

Barry Dave


When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

Barry Dave


Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

Barry Dave


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

Barry Dave


Practice yourself what you preach.

Barry Dave


Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Barry Dave


Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Dave Barry





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They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
Wellington Duke

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Barry Dave
 
 
 
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