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Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Barry Dave


Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Barry Dave


God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Barry Dave


Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Barry Dave


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Barry Dave


There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Barry Dave


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Barry Dave


Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Barry Dave


All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Barry Dave


The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Barry Dave


The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Barry Dave


When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Barry Dave


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Barry Dave


Events are not affected, they develop.

Barry Dave


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Barry Dave


If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

Barry Dave


In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Barry Dave


A place for everything and everything in its place.

Barry Dave


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Barry Dave


With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Barry Dave


I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Barry Dave


There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Barry Dave


The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Barry Dave


When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Barry Dave


Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Barry Dave


It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Barry Dave


For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Barry Dave


If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Barry Dave


Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Barry Dave


It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Barry Dave


"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Barry Dave


From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Barry Dave


Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Barry Dave


The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Barry Dave


No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Barry Dave


When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Barry Dave


If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

Barry Dave


"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Barry Dave


The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Barry Dave


Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Barry Dave


I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Barry Dave


About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Barry Dave


"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Barry Dave


If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Barry Dave


The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Barry Dave


Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Barry Dave


It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Barry Dave


Haste makes waste.

Barry Dave


Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Barry Dave


"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

Dave Barry





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The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
Wilde Oscar

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Barry Dave
 
 
 
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