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"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Barry Dave


Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Barry Dave


Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Barry Dave


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Barry Dave


Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Barry Dave


It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Barry Dave


The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Barry Dave


As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Barry Dave


The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Barry Dave


To teach is to learn twice.

Barry Dave


Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Barry Dave


Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Barry Dave


Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Barry Dave


Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Barry Dave


Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Barry Dave


Men are superior to women.

Barry Dave


The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Barry Dave


Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Barry Dave


I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

Barry Dave


There is no proverb that is not true.

Barry Dave


The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Barry Dave


... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Barry Dave


It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Barry Dave


Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Barry Dave


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

Barry Dave


The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Barry Dave


Turn the other cheek.

Barry Dave


If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Barry Dave


I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Barry Dave


Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Barry Dave


For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Barry Dave


Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Barry Dave


One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Barry Dave


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Barry Dave


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Barry Dave


The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Barry Dave


If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Barry Dave


Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Barry Dave


I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Barry Dave


Talkers are no good doers.

Barry Dave


If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Barry Dave


The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Barry Dave


It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Barry Dave


Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Barry Dave


Beggars should be no choosers.

Barry Dave


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Barry Dave


If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Barry Dave


If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Barry Dave


Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Barry Dave


Let your conscience be your guide.

Dave Barry





Random Quote


The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
Baker Russell

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Barry Dave
 
 
 
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