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The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

Barry Dave


According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Barry Dave


It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Barry Dave


Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

Barry Dave


Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Barry Dave


Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Barry Dave


Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Barry Dave


Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Barry Dave


Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Barry Dave


Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Barry Dave


Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

Barry Dave


If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

Barry Dave


Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Barry Dave


"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

Barry Dave


Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Barry Dave


"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

Barry Dave


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Barry Dave


When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Barry Dave


I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Barry Dave


Events are not affected, they develop.

Barry Dave


Another day, another dollar.

Barry Dave


If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Barry Dave


Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Barry Dave


The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

Barry Dave


In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Barry Dave


No evil can happen to a good man.

Barry Dave


Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Barry Dave


The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Barry Dave


There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

Barry Dave


Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

Barry Dave


Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

Barry Dave


The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Barry Dave


Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Barry Dave


We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Barry Dave


Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Barry Dave


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Barry Dave


You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

Barry Dave


Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

Barry Dave


"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Barry Dave


Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

Barry Dave


The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Barry Dave


Most general statements are false, including this one.

Barry Dave


A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Barry Dave


We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Barry Dave


Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Barry Dave


What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

Barry Dave


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Barry Dave


Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Barry Dave


Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Barry Dave


The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Dave Barry





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The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country.
Mitchell Gener

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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