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We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Barry Dave


Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Barry Dave


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Barry Dave


The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

Barry Dave


Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

Barry Dave


Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Barry Dave


Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Barry Dave


... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

Barry Dave


A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Barry Dave


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Barry Dave


The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Barry Dave


The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Barry Dave


We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

Barry Dave


Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

Barry Dave


The man who runs may fight again.

Barry Dave


I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people... Certainty is just an emotion.

Barry Dave


Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

Barry Dave


If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Barry Dave


Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh.

Barry Dave


The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

Barry Dave


We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones.

Barry Dave


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Barry Dave


Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Barry Dave


Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Barry Dave


"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

Barry Dave


My philosophy is: Don't think.

Barry Dave


Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Barry Dave


[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

Barry Dave


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Barry Dave


If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?

Barry Dave


Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.

Barry Dave


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Barry Dave


Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.

Barry Dave


A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

Barry Dave


Conscience doth make cowards of us all.

Barry Dave


If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

Barry Dave


He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Barry Dave


Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.

Barry Dave


... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa," probably

Barry Dave


If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

Barry Dave


A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

Barry Dave


The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Barry Dave


In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Barry Dave


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Barry Dave


Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

Barry Dave


My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Barry Dave


Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Barry Dave


Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Barry Dave


If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Barry Dave


I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

Dave Barry





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A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.
Kirk Lisa

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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