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The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Barry Dave


Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Barry Dave


I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

Barry Dave


Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

Barry Dave


The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.

Barry Dave


Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Barry Dave


We are what we pretend to be.

Barry Dave


A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

Barry Dave


This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans.

Barry Dave


If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Barry Dave


The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Barry Dave


"Life is too important to take seriously."

Barry Dave


Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Barry Dave


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

Barry Dave


If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

Barry Dave


I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

Barry Dave


Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Barry Dave


Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

Barry Dave


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Barry Dave


It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Barry Dave


If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Barry Dave


The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Barry Dave


No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.

Barry Dave


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Barry Dave


The optimum committee has no members.

Barry Dave


Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Barry Dave


The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes so many of them.

Barry Dave


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Barry Dave


Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Barry Dave


Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

Barry Dave


One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer.

Barry Dave


If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Barry Dave


I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

Barry Dave


The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions.

Barry Dave


Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".

Barry Dave


Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Barry Dave


Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Barry Dave


Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.

Barry Dave


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Barry Dave


My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

Barry Dave


The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Barry Dave


It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

Barry Dave


"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Barry Dave


An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Barry Dave


"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Barry Dave


We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

Barry Dave


Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Barry Dave


What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Barry Dave


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

Barry Dave


According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Dave Barry





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The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
Sneyd Doug

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Dave Barry
 
 
 
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