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Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

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"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Li Mark Twain


Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Mark Twain


What we wish, that we readily believe.

Mark Twain


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Mark Twain


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Mark Twain


To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Mark Twain


Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Mark Twain


Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Mark Twain


Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Mark Twain


Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Mark Twain


I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Mark Twain


Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Twain Mark


Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Twain Mark


If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

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Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

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VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

Twain Mark


[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

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Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

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God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Twain Mark


If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Twain Mark


She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

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I hate dying.

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Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

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Who's scruffy-looking?

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Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Twain Mark


Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Twain Mark


The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

Twain Mark


Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

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Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Twain Mark


I will make you shorter by the head.

Twain Mark


No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Twain Mark


Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

Twain Mark


Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

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Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Twain Mark


The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Twain Mark


Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Twain Mark


Business will be either better or worse.

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Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

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Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

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Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Twain Mark


Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Twain Mark


Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Twain Mark


Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Twain Mark


You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Twain Mark


Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Twain Mark


If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Twain Mark


A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Twain Mark


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

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NEW YORK

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A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

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Rome was not built in one day.

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If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Twain Mark


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

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What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

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"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Twain Mark


Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

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The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Twain Mark


Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

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Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Twain Mark


It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Twain Mark


"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Twain Mark


If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

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I knew her before she was a virgin.

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There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

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If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

Twain Mark


Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

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A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

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Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

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There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

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I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

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The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Twain Mark


In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

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... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Twain Mark


An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Twain Mark


For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

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It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Twain Mark


"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Twain Mark


Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

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A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

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If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

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The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

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The optimum committee has no members.

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I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Twain Mark


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Twain Mark


None love the bearer of bad news.

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Better late than never.

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If there is no wind, row.

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So little time, so little to do.

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The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

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Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

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Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

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We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

Twain Mark





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Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
Galbraith J.K.

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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