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XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Englan Mark Twain on New


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Li Mark Twain


Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Mark Twain


The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Mark Twain


There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Mark Twain


It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

Mark Twain


The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Mark Twain


The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Mark Twain


Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Mark Twain


Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Mark Twain


Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Mark Twain


Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

Mark Twain


There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Twain Mark


CF&C stole it, fair and square.

Twain Mark


"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

Twain Mark


Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Twain Mark


"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Twain Mark


Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

Twain Mark


If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Twain Mark


All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Twain Mark


The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Twain Mark


The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Twain Mark


Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Twain Mark


Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Twain Mark


Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Twain Mark


Business will be either better or worse.

Twain Mark


Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

Twain Mark


Odets, where is thy sting?

Twain Mark


We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Twain Mark


Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

Twain Mark


We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Twain Mark


Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

Twain Mark


I knew her before she was a virgin.

Twain Mark


There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Twain Mark


Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

Twain Mark


If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Twain Mark


If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Twain Mark


Sometimes, too long is too long.

Twain Mark


A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

Twain Mark


Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Twain Mark


When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Twain Mark


The world wants to be deceived.

Twain Mark


I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Twain Mark


An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Twain Mark


If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Twain Mark


In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Twain Mark


Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Twain Mark


A dead man cannot bite.

Twain Mark


The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Twain Mark


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Twain Mark


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Twain Mark


To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Twain Mark


Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

Twain Mark


Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Twain Mark


Fear is the greatest salesman.

Twain Mark


She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Twain Mark


Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Twain Mark


Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Twain Mark


There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Twain Mark


"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Twain Mark


No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

Twain Mark


If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Twain Mark


A snake lurks in the grass.

Twain Mark


My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Twain Mark


Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Twain Mark


Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Twain Mark


God is Dead.

Twain Mark


I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Twain Mark


Littering is dumb.

Twain Mark


We are what we pretend to be.

Twain Mark


The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

Twain Mark


... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Twain Mark


We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Twain Mark


You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Twain Mark


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Twain Mark


By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Twain Mark


Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Twain Mark


The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

Twain Mark


The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Twain Mark


I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Twain Mark


If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Twain Mark


Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Twain Mark


We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Twain Mark


Real wealth can only increase.

Twain Mark


An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Twain Mark


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Twain Mark


Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Twain Mark


If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Twain Mark


I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

Twain Mark


Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Twain Mark


It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Twain Mark


If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Twain Mark


Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

Twain Mark





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You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
Meese Ed

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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