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When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Englan Mark Twain on New


A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Li Mark Twain


If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Mark Twain


We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.

Mark Twain


Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Mark Twain


"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

Mark Twain


I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Mark Twain


In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Mark Twain


He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

Mark Twain


Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.

Mark Twain


The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Mark Twain


It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

Mark Twain


Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Twain Mark


An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Twain Mark


There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

Twain Mark


Tempt not a desperate man.

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Coincidences are spiritual puns.

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Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Twain Mark


"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."

Twain Mark


As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

Twain Mark


The major sin is the sin of being born.

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Lack of money is the root of all evil.

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The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Twain Mark


Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

Twain Mark


Sin boldly.

Twain Mark


One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

Twain Mark


History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

Twain Mark


A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

Twain Mark


The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

Twain Mark


The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Twain Mark


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Twain Mark


The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Twain Mark


Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Twain Mark


A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Twain Mark


It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

Twain Mark


The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Twain Mark


"They make a desert and call it peace."

Twain Mark


Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Twain Mark


Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Twain Mark


If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Twain Mark


He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Twain Mark


The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Twain Mark


Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.

Twain Mark


Real wealth can only increase.

Twain Mark


He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.

Twain Mark


Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Twain Mark


Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Twain Mark


Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


The scum also rises.

Twain Mark


To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Twain Mark


The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

Twain Mark


The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Twain Mark


When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla

Twain Mark


Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something l

Twain Mark


Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints t

Twain Mark


"There is a God, but He drinks"

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An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

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I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.

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With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

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If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

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The Crown is full of it!

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The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People hav

Twain Mark


Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

Twain Mark


One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

Twain Mark


Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Twain Mark


Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

Twain Mark


There is no proverb that is not true.

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Talkers are no good doers.

Twain Mark


That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.

Twain Mark


Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.

Twain Mark


Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

Twain Mark


It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

Twain Mark


Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Twain Mark


If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?

Twain Mark


Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Twain Mark


The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

Twain Mark


Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.

Twain Mark


Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Twain Mark


He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

Twain Mark


If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Twain Mark


Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Twain Mark


It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Twain Mark


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Twain Mark


Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.

Twain Mark


"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

Twain Mark


If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Twain Mark


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Twain Mark


Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

Twain Mark


I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Twain Mark


There are no answers, only cross-references.

Twain Mark


The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Twain Mark


You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Twain Mark


There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

Twain Mark


Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

Twain Mark





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If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
Carlyle

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Mark Twain
 
 
 
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