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It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

Englan Mark Twain on New


If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Li Mark Twain


Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.

Mark Twain


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Mark Twain


We're only in it for the volume.

Mark Twain


The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Mark Twain


"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Mark Twain


We're all in this alone.

Mark Twain


If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Mark Twain


The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Mark Twain


Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

Mark Twain


It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

Mark Twain


The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Twain Mark


The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Twain Mark


Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Twain Mark


Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

Twain Mark


Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Twain Mark


Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

Twain Mark


If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Twain Mark


You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Twain Mark


When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Twain Mark


War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

Twain Mark


There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Twain Mark


Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Twain Mark


I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

Twain Mark


Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Twain Mark


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Twain Mark


The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

Twain Mark


But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

Twain Mark


A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Twain Mark


My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

Twain Mark


There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what rid

Twain Mark


The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Twain Mark


Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

Twain Mark


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Twain Mark


Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

Twain Mark


The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

Twain Mark


Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

Twain Mark


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

Twain Mark


If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Twain Mark


Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Twain Mark


Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Twain Mark


Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Twain Mark


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

Twain Mark


Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Twain Mark


A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Twain Mark


For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

Twain Mark


The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Twain Mark


If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Twain Mark


A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

Twain Mark


There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Twain Mark


The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Twain Mark


A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Twain Mark


The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

Twain Mark


The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Twain Mark


We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Twain Mark


There's no justice in this world.

Twain Mark


"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."

Twain Mark


"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Twain Mark


In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Twain Mark


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Twain Mark


If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

Twain Mark


No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.

Twain Mark


I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Twain Mark


It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.

Twain Mark


Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Twain Mark


"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

Twain Mark


If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

Twain Mark


Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Twain Mark


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Twain Mark


All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

Twain Mark


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

Twain Mark


HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Twain Mark


There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

Twain Mark


The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Twain Mark


Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts up to 340." On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater stated, "The imme

Twain Mark


Must I hold a candle to my shames?

Twain Mark


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

Twain Mark


Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Twain Mark


When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

Twain Mark


A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Twain Mark


Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Twain Mark


The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Twain Mark


Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

Twain Mark


I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

Twain Mark


"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

Twain Mark


There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

Twain Mark


God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Twain Mark


Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Twain Mark


You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

Twain Mark


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Twain Mark


Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

Twain Mark


Go away, I'm all right.

Twain Mark


She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

Twain Mark


So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Twain Mark





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I always wake up at the crack of ice.
Lewis Joe E.

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Twain Mark
 
 
 
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