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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Englan Mark Twain on New


What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Li Mark Twain


What one fool can do, another can.

Mark Twain


Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Mark Twain


What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

Mark Twain


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Mark Twain


Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Mark Twain


But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

Mark Twain


Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Mark Twain


Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Mark Twain


"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Mark Twain


I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Mark Twain


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Twain Mark


If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

Twain Mark


Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Twain Mark


American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Twain Mark


War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

Twain Mark


The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

Twain Mark


He who slings mud generally loses ground.

Twain Mark


Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

Twain Mark


Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Twain Mark


Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Twain Mark


He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Twain Mark


There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

Twain Mark


Tempt not a desperate man.

Twain Mark


I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Twain Mark


So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

Twain Mark


In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

Twain Mark


Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Twain Mark


Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Twain Mark


Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Twain Mark


Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Twain Mark


If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Twain Mark


There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

Twain Mark


When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Twain Mark


A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Twain Mark


I am a deeply superficial person.

Twain Mark


He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Twain Mark


For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Twain Mark


Patch griefs with proverbs.

Twain Mark


Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.

Twain Mark


We're all in this alone.

Twain Mark


A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Twain Mark


Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Twain Mark


One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Twain Mark


A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

Twain Mark


A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Twain Mark


We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

Twain Mark


A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

Twain Mark


Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Twain Mark


Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Twain Mark


The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

Twain Mark


Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Twain Mark


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Twain Mark


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Twain Mark


If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

Twain Mark


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Twain Mark


The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or of

Twain Mark


She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

Twain Mark


In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Twain Mark


I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

Twain Mark


If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Twain Mark


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Twain Mark


Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.

Twain Mark


When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Twain Mark


I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Twain Mark


When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have declared openly that

Twain Mark


As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Twain Mark


The first requisite for immortality is death.

Twain Mark


Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Twain Mark


You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Twain Mark


All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.

Twain Mark


My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Twain Mark


I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Twain Mark


Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Twain Mark


We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

Twain Mark


Mum's the word.

Twain Mark


"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

Twain Mark


Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Twain Mark


Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Twain Mark


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

Twain Mark


Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Twain Mark


Why be a man when you can be a success?

Twain Mark


"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Twain Mark


We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Twain Mark


To generalize is to be an idiot.

Twain Mark


For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?

Twain Mark


The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Twain Mark


If you want divine justice, die.

Twain Mark


The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Twain Mark


The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Twain Mark


The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

Twain Mark


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

Twain Mark


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Twain Mark


The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Twain Mark





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Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
Chevalier Maurice

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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