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"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

Ca Mona

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.


Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Caen Herb

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

Caen Herb

"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

Caesar Augustus

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Caesar Augustus

The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

Caesar Gaius Julius

What fools these mortals be.

Caesar Gaius Julius

Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something l

Caesar Gaius Julius

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Caesar Julius

The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

Caesar Sid

Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to set a bad example.

Cage John

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Cage John

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.


Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Cam Kurt Vonnegut

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Cameron Simon

Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.

Cami Pat Calafia

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

Camp Henry N.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.


Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.

Camus A.

All Gods were immortal.

Camus Albert

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

Camus Albert

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Camus Albert

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Camus Albert

The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.

Camus Albert

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Capone Al

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Capone Al

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Capone Al

The world wants to be deceived.

Capp Andy

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Captain Ahab

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Cardozo Benjamin

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Carlevale Edmund

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Carlin George

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.


Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Carlyle Thomas

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Carlyle Thomas

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

Carlyle Thomas

I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.

Carlyle Thomas

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Carnegie Andrew

You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.

Carpenter Elizabeth

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

Carroll Lewis

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

Carroll Lewis

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Carroll Lewis

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

Carroll Lewis

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Carroll Lewis

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Carson Johnny

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Carson Johnny

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

Carson Johnny

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Carson Johnny


Carter Jimmy

There must be more to life than having everything.

Carus Titus Lucretius

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Carus Titus Lucretius

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

Carus Titus Lucretius

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Carus Titus Lucretius

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Cassidy Butch

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Castro Fidel

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Catalog Whole Earth

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Catflap Filthy Rich and

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Catlin Wynn

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Cato Marcus Procius

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Catullus Gaius Valerius

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Catullus Gaius Valerius

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Catullus Gaius Valerius

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

Caussade De

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Cavour Camillo Di

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

Celine Louis-Ferdinand

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.


The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours.


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe


In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Cervantes Miguel de

Practice yourself what you preach.

Cervantes Miguel de

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Cervantes Miguel de

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Cervantes Miguel de

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Cervantes Miguel de

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.

Cervantes Miguel de

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me."

Cervantes Miguel de

The streets were dark with something more than night.

Cervantes Miguel de

I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian on earth believes.

Cervantes Miguel de

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Cervantes Miguel de

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Cervantes Miguel de

Man proposes, God disposes.

Ch St. John

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

Chadwick Hal

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

Chamfort Nicolas

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Chandler Raymond

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Chandler Raymond

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Chandler Raymond

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Chandler Raymond

American cars are made shoddily... Cars made overseas are far superior.

Channing William Ellery

The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.

Chapelain Maurice

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

Chaplin Charlie

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Chapman George

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Charles Chincholles

I dote on his very absence.

Charles Darling

The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.

Charles Darling

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

Charles Dickens

Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.

Charles Dickens

Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.

Charles Dickens

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Charles Ives

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Charles Schulz

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Charlie Crazy

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.


Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?


So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Chavez Cesar

Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound.

Chaykin Howard

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Cheever John

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

Chesterson Gilbert K.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Chesterton G. K.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Chesterton G.K.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Chesterton G.K.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

Chesterton G.K.

You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.

Chesterton G.K.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Chesterton G.K.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Chesterton G.K.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

Chesterton G.K.

If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.

Chevalier Maurice

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Chevins Anthony

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Chichester Reverend

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

Chill The Big

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.


The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

Chris Robert

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

Christ Jesus

Every country has the government it deserves.


Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a


"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Chuck Jones

Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.


The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Churchill W.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS ag

Churchill Winston

The coast was clear.

Churchill Winston

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Churchill Winston

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things differen

Churchill Winston

... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Righ

Churchill Winston

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

Churchill Winston

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Churchill Winston

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.

Churchill Winston

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Churchill Winston

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Churchill Winston

To be or not to be.

Churchill Winston

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Churchill Winston

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Churchill Winston

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Churchill Winston

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Churchill Winston

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Churchill W.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Churchill W.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

Churchill Winston

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Churchill Winston

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Churchill Winston

To know Edina is to reject it.

Churchill Winston

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Ciardi John

In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.

Ciardi John

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

Ciardi John

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Cicero Marcus Tullius

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Cicero Marcus Tullius

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

Claghorn Senator

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Clapton Eric

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Clarence Darrow to William

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Clark Alex

It's not easy, being green.

Clark Blake

Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

Clark Ramsey

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Clarke Arthur

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Clarke Arthur C.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

Clarke Arthur C.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Cleaver Eldridge

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr


... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

Clement Hal

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Cleyre Voltarine de

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Clifton Fadiman

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

Clopton R.

Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we weaken for a moment and honor t

Clough Arthur

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Cocteau Jean

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Cocteau Jean

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.

Cohan George M.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

Cohan George M.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

Cohen Mickey

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Cohen Leonard

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Cointment Joe

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.

Coke Sir Edward

The superfluous is very necessary.

Col Lew

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Colby Frank Moore

per year.

Colby F.M.

That government is best which governs least.


You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to

Colton C.C.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Comics Green Lantern

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.


America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.


Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.


Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."


Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.


Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."


Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.


Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Conrad Joseph

One good turn asketh another.

Conrad Joseph

"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."

Coo Alistair

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Cooke Alistair

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Cooke Alistair

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Coolidge Calvin

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Coolidge Calvin

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

Coolidge Calvin

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Coolidge Calvin

When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.

Coolidge Calvin

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

Coolidge Calvin

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Coolidge Calvin

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

Cooper A.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Cooper Jeff

Too much is just enough.

Corwin Prince of

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Costello E.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

Costello Elvis

... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.

Costello Elvis

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

Costello Elvis

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Coult Alan

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usu

Couple The Odd

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Cousins Norman

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Cousins Norman

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Coward Noel

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Cowboy The

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Crane Dr. Frank

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Crane Frank

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

Crane Stephen

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Crane Stephen

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Credo The Webb Wilder

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Crisp Quentin

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Crisp Quentin

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

Crisp Quentin

People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there!

Croll John

Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

Cromwell Oliver

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Crosby Norm

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Crowe Joe

Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

Crumb R.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Cuomo Mario

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

Curtis Charles

You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.

Cynic Diogenes the

In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.

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