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Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Ca Mona

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.


When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Caen Herb

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Caen Herb

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Caesar Augustus

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Caesar Augustus

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Caesar Gaius Julius

Genius is pain.

Caesar Gaius Julius

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Caesar Gaius Julius

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Caesar Julius

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Caesar Sid

How apt the poor are to be proud.

Cage John

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Cage John

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!


What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Cam Kurt Vonnegut

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Cameron Simon

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

Cami Pat Calafia

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Camp Henry N.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.


Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Camus A.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Camus Albert

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Camus Albert

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Camus Albert

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

Camus Albert

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Camus Albert

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

Capone Al

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Capone Al

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Capone Al

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Capp Andy

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

Captain Ahab

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Cardozo Benjamin

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Carlevale Edmund

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

Carlin George

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.


The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Carlyle Thomas

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

Carlyle Thomas

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

Carlyle Thomas

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Carlyle Thomas

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Carnegie Andrew

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Carpenter Elizabeth

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.

Carroll Lewis

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Carroll Lewis

That's no moon...

Carroll Lewis

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Carroll Lewis

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

Carroll Lewis

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

Carson Johnny

The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

Carson Johnny

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

Carson Johnny

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to

Carson Johnny

One good turn asketh another.

Carter Jimmy

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Carus Titus Lucretius

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Carus Titus Lucretius

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Carus Titus Lucretius

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Carus Titus Lucretius

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Cassidy Butch

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

Castro Fidel

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Catalog Whole Earth

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Catflap Filthy Rich and

A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbour notice it.

Catlin Wynn

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.


The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

Cato Marcus Procius

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

Catullus Gaius Valerius

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Catullus Gaius Valerius

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Catullus Gaius Valerius

There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland.

Caussade De

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Cavour Camillo Di

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.

Celine Louis-Ferdinand

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.


"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"


A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.


The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Cervantes Miguel de

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Cervantes Miguel de

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

Cervantes Miguel de

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Cervantes Miguel de

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

Cervantes Miguel de

My father was a saint, I'm not.

Cervantes Miguel de

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Cervantes Miguel de

None love the bearer of bad news.

Cervantes Miguel de

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Cervantes Miguel de

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Cervantes Miguel de

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Cervantes Miguel de

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

Ch St. John

You can't underestimate the power of fear.

Chadwick Hal

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Chamfort Nicolas

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Chandler Raymond

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Chandler Raymond

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

Chandler Raymond

"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I c

Chandler Raymond

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Channing William Ellery

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Chapelain Maurice

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Chaplin Charlie

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Chapman George

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Charles Chincholles

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Charles Darling

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

Charles Darling

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Charles Dickens

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

Charles Dickens

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

Charles Dickens

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Charles Ives

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

Charles Schulz

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Charlie Crazy

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.


There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.


The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

Chavez Cesar

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Chaykin Howard

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.


The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Cheever John

Another day, another dollar.

Chesterson Gilbert K.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Chesterton G. K.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Chesterton G.K.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Chesterton G.K.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Chesterton G.K.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

Chesterton G.K.

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Chesterton G.K.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Chesterton G.K.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

Chesterton G.K.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Chevalier Maurice

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Chevins Anthony

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Chichester Reverend

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Chill The Big

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.


The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Chris Robert

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Christ Jesus

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo


This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.


Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Chuck Jones

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.


He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.

Churchill W.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Churchill Winston

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to be

Churchill Winston

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

Churchill Winston

There is no sin but ignorance.

Churchill Winston

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Churchill Winston

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Churchill Winston

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Churchill Winston

Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.

Churchill Winston

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Churchill Winston

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

Churchill Winston

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Churchill Winston

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Churchill Winston

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Churchill Winston

The goys have proven the following theorem...

Churchill Winston

You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

Churchill Winston

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

Churchill W.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Churchill W.

Two heads are better than one.

Churchill Winston

Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.

Churchill Winston

Things past redress and now with me past care.

Churchill Winston

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Churchill Winston

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Ciardi John

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Ciardi John

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they

Ciardi John

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Cicero Marcus Tullius

"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

Cicero Marcus Tullius

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Claghorn Senator

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Clapton Eric

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Clarence Darrow to William

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

Clark Alex

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Clark Blake

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Clark Ramsey

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

Clarke Arthur

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

Clarke Arthur C.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Clarke Arthur C.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Cleaver Eldridge

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!


Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone

Clement Hal

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Cleyre Voltarine de

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Clifton Fadiman

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Clopton R.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

Clough Arthur

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

Cocteau Jean

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Cocteau Jean

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Cohan George M.

"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

Cohan George M.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Cohen Mickey

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

Cohen Leonard

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

Cointment Joe

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

Coke Sir Edward

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Col Lew

I owe the public nothing.

Colby Frank Moore

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Colby F.M.

How should they answer?


If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

Colton C.C.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

Comics Green Lantern

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.


Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and women will take a little longer.


There never was a good war or a bad peace.


Real wealth can only increase.


Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.


Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.


No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.


In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their


Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.


My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.


A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Conrad Joseph

A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.

Conrad Joseph

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

Coo Alistair

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Cooke Alistair

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

Cooke Alistair

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

Coolidge Calvin

The farther you go, the less you know.

Coolidge Calvin

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Coolidge Calvin

Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.

Coolidge Calvin

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Coolidge Calvin

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Coolidge Calvin

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Coolidge Calvin

A violent man will die a violent death.

Cooper A.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Cooper Jeff

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

Corwin Prince of

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Costello E.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Costello Elvis

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Costello Elvis

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Costello Elvis

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Coult Alan

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Couple The Odd

Better late than never.

Cousins Norman

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Cousins Norman

Under every stone lurks a politician.

Coward Noel

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Cowboy The

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Crane Dr. Frank

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Crane Frank

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

Crane Stephen

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Crane Stephen

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Credo The Webb Wilder

Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

Crisp Quentin

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

Crisp Quentin

"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement."

Crisp Quentin

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

Croll John

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Cromwell Oliver

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

Crosby Norm

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Crowe Joe

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

Crumb R.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

Cuomo Mario

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Curtis Charles

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

Cynic Diogenes the

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

caption Weber cartoon

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One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
Fadiman Clifton

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