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Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

Fadiman Clifton


"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

Fadiman Clifton


Many hands make light work.

Fadiman Clifton


Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Fadiman Clifton


Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Far Kilgore Trout


Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

Faulkner William


The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Faulkner William


Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Fawcett-Majors Farrah


A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

Fee Elizabeth


You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

Feibleman James


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Feiffer J.


Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Feiffer J.


As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

Feirstein Bruce


"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Fenelon Francois


America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

Feodor Dostoevsky


Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Ferdinand Marechal Foch


It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Fiebig Jim


Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.

Fields W.C.


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Fields W.C.


We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Fields W.C.


... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

Fields W.C.


I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Finley J.H.


Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Finley Peter Dunne


Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Fisher John


Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Fishhawk Prof. Cosmo


All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born.

Fitch G.


Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Fitzgera F. Scott


Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Fitzgera F. Scott


"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Fitzgerald F. Scott


Don't everyone thank me at once!

Flagg Reuben


"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

Flaubert


I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.

Florio John


One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Floyd Mengot


Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Flynn Errol


The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Foote Samuel


Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Ford Henry


You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

Foreman John


If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Forster E.M.


Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Thin

Forward R.L.


"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

Fosdick Harry Emerson


Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Fowler Gene


I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Foxx Redd


You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

Frampton Peter


Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Fran Lebowitz


I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

Fran Lebowitz


When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.

Fran Lebowitz


Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

France Anatole


What an artist dies with me!

France Anatole


An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

France Anatole


The ripest fruit falls first.

France Anatole


It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

France Anatole


Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

France Anatole


The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

France Anatole


It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

France Anatole


[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Franci KFOG San


Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.

Francis Brendan


A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Francis


You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Francis


If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt

Francisc Colin Bowles San


Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

Frank Ann


The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

Frank Costello


A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Frank Costello


Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Frank Herbert


He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Frank Herbert


Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Frank Herbert


Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Frank Herbert


Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

Franklin B.


And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Franklin B.


I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Franklin B.


Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

Franklin B.


You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Franklin B.


Anything is possible on paper.

Franklin B.


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Franklin Ben


Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Franklin Ben


"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Franklin Ben


"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

Franklin Benjamin


We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has forgotten its source.

Franklin Benjamin


The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

Franklin Benjamin


No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

Franklin Benjamin


Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Franklin Benjamin


When you're in command, command.

Franklin Benjamin


Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

Franklin Benjamin


Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Franklin Benjamin


To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Franklin Benjamin


Too much of everything is just enough.

Franklin Benjamin


We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

Fratianno


By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Fratianno


'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Fratianno


"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Fred Allen


A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.

Freud Sigmund


In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.

Freud Sigmund


Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Friedman Milton


With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Friendman Milton


What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Friendman Milton


Odets, where is thy sting?

Fright Nero Wolfe


You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.

Fringe Beyond the


Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Fringe Beyond the


Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.

Fritzlar Herbert von


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Frog Kermit the


If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

Fromme Squeaky


WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

Frost Robert


For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Frost Robert


A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Frost Robert


The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Frost Robert


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Frost Robert


Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

Frost Robert


It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

Frost Robert


Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Fry Christopher


Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Fuldheim Dorothy


Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

Fuller Buckminster


Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Fuller Buckminster


Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending t

Fuller R. Buckminster


"The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to ________preserve disorder."

Fuller R. Buckminster


Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Fylstra Dan





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With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.
Rogers Will

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