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Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Jack Handley


When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Jackson Glenda


Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Jackson Justice Robert H.


The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Jackson Justice Robert H.


In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Jackson Justice Robert H.


If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Jackson Andrew


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

Jagger Mick


A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

James Clive


A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

James William


It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

James William


The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

James Agate


The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Jane Wagner


My father was a saint, I'm not.

Jarry Alfred


If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

Jean Giraudoux


We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Jefferson Thomas


I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Jefferson Thomas


It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Jefferson Thomas


I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

Jefferson Thomas


By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Jefferson Thomas


"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Jefferson Thomas


A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Jefferson Thomas


An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Jefferson Thomas


"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Jefferson Thomas


Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

Jefferson Thomas


Men are superior to women.

Jerome Jerome K.


In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Jerome Jerome Klapka


... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Jerome Saint


The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Jerrold Douglas


Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a st

Jessel Sir George


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Jessica Salmonson


"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Jesus


Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Jim Strange de


We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Jim Strange de


Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

Jim Strange de


There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Jim Starlin


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Jim Starlin


The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Jim Steinman


Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Jimmy Crazy


When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Jitterbu Tom Robbins


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

Joan Didion


Business will be either better or worse.

Joan Didion


War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

Joel Chandler Harris


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Joel M. Snyder


Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Joey


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Joh Lyndon B.


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

John Ball


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

John Barrymore


All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

John Denver


If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!

John Dewey


Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

John Donne


Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.

John Gardner


Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

John Hunt British


Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

John Kennedy


Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

John Kenneth Galbraith


A full belly makes a dull brain.

John LeCarre


A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

John Lightfoot


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

John The Dragon to Grendel in


Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Johnson Dave


We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

Johnson Dr.


Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

Johnson Dr.


Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

Johnson Lyndon Baines


This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

Johnson S.


Our swords shall play the orators for us.

Johnson Samuel


Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

Johnson Samuel


Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Johnson Samuel


Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

Johnson Samuel


The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

Johnson Samuel


He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Johnson Samuel


We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Johnson Samuel


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Johnson


Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Johnson Lyndon


Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

Johnston M. M.


I'll never get off this planet.

Joke The Killing


To have died once is enough.

Jones Carolyn


There's no justice in this world.

Jones Franklin P.


XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Jones Franklin P.


Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Jones Franklin P.


It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Jones Franklin P.


University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Jones Thomas


If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Jones] Chuck


He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Joost van den Vondel


I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

Joplin Janis


I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Jorge Luis Borges


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Joseph Gallo


"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."

Joubert Joseph


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

Journal Albuquerque


By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Journal The Wall Street


Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

Joyce James


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Joyce James


In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.

Juan Don


Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Judith Martin


The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Judy Garland


Housework can kill you if done right.

Juliana Queen


Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

Julius Caesar


When you're in command, command.

Jun Esquire


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Jung Carl


I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Jung C.G.


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Juvenalis Decimus Junius


Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Juvenalis Decimus Junius





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With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
Kiner Ralph

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
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