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Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

M Hawkeye

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Mabbitt Ronald

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Mabley Moms

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

MacDonald Dwight

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

MacDonald Ross

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Macaulay Thomas

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Macdonald Ronald

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

Machiavelli Niccolo

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

Machineri R. Bradbury

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Madariaga Salvador De

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Madison James

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.


A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

Mahabharata The

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Mahabharata. The

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.


The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

Maher Bill

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

Mailer Norman

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Maistre Joseph De

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.


Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Malraux Andre

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Mamet David

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Man Little Big

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Manners Miss

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Manson Charles

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

Manson Charles

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Manua Princess Irulan

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

Manville Tommy

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Manville Tommy

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Manville Tommy

You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

Margaret Mitchell

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Mari Clive James on

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Mark Twain

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Mark Twain

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Mark Twain

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Mark Twain

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

Mark Twain

Art is a jealous mistress.

Mark Twain

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

Mark Twain

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Mark Twain

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Mark Twain

Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

Marlon Brando

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Marlowe Christopher

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

Marlowe Christopher

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Marlowe Christopher

Odets, where is thy sting?

Marlowe Christopher

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Marquis Don

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

Marquis Don

Out of sight is out of mind.

Marquis Don

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

Marquis Don

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Marr Bill

Don't everyone thank me at once!

Marshall Brickman

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Marshall Thurgood

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

Martin Steve

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

Martin Thomas L.

"There is a God, but He drinks"


Go away, I'm all right.


Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Martin Steve

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Martin Steve

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Martin Susanna

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

Martin' Kin Hubbard

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Marx Groucho

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

Marx Groucho

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.


There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Masterson Bat

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Mathis Andrew W.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Mau W. Somerset

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

Maugh W. Somerset

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Maugham Somerset

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Maugham Somerset

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Maugham W. Somerset

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Maugham W. Somerset

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

Maugham W.S.

The best you get is an even break.

Maugham W. Somerset

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Max Beerbohm

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

Mayfield E.J.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Mayonnaise Hellman's

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Mayor Kevin White

Never promise more than you can perform.

McAfee Ron

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

McCabe Charles

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

McCall Cash

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

McCarthy Charlie

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

McCarthy Charlie

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

McCarthy Eugene

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

McCarthy Eugene

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

McCorkle Julia Norton

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

McDaniel Hattie

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

McEvoy J. P.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

McGee Travis

Better late than never.

McGovern George

It's not easy, being green.

McGuire Al

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

McIntire Carl

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

McLeod Thom

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

McLuhan. Marshall

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

McShane Michael

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Mead Margaret

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Medawar Sir Peter

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Meese Ed

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Meir Golda

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Melvin Belli

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.


It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.


"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."


None love the bearer of bad news.

Mencken H. L.

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

Mencken H. L.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Mencken H. L.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Mencken H. L.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Mencken H. L.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Mencken H. L.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Mencken H. L.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Mencken H. L.

Many hands make light work.

Mencken H.L.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Mencken H.L.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Mencken H.L.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Mencken H.L.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Mencken H.L.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Mencken H.L.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Mencken H.L.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Mencken H.L.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

Mencken H.L.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Mencken H.L.

Men are superior to women.

Mencken H.L.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Mencken H.L.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Mencken H.L.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Mencken H.L.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Mencken H.L.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Mencken H.L.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Mencken H.L.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Mencken H.L.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Mengot Roy

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Meredith George

All art is but imitation of nature.

Meredith Owen

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Metrop Fran Lebowitz

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Mex Jack Handley

Home is where the hurt is.

Mex Jack Handley The New

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

Mex Jack Handley The New

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Meyrowitz N.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Michael Levin

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Michael Levin

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Michael Winner British

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.


Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Michener James A.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Midler Bette

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Mike Harding

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

Mike Harding

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Mill John Stuart

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Mill Dennis

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.


They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

Miller Arthur

Small things make base men proud.

Miller Arthur R.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

Miller Dennis

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Miller Dennis

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Miller Dennis

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Miller Dennis

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Miller. Olin

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Millman Dave

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.


No two persons ever read the same book.


Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Milton John

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Milton John


Milton John

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Mitchell Gener

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.


If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Mizner Wilson

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Mizner Wilson

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Mizner Wilson

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

Mizner Wilson

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Moffitt James

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.


We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Montagu Lady M.W.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Montague Charles Edward

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Montaigne Michel Eyquem de

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Montaigne Michel de

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Montaigne Michel de

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?


My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.


Look ere ye leap.


I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.

Moore Steven

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Moose Bullwinkle

Forgive and forget.

Moravia Alberto

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

More Sir Thomas

However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or wha

Morgan J.P.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Morgan J.P.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Morgan J.P.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Morley Christopher

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Morley Christopher

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Morley Christopher

To teach is to learn twice.

Morley Christopher

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Morley John Viscount

I'll burn my books.

Morris William

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Moses Robert

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Moses Robert

Anything is possible on paper.

Moss Stirling

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Mostel Zero

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

Mother Karl Marx's

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."


Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Muggeridge Malcolm

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Mull Martin

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Munr H.H.

Munro H.H.

Men will fuck mud.

Murray Bill

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

Muscha Jerry

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Muskie Senator Edmund

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Musselman Bill

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Musset Alfred De

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Wilde Oscar

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