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[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

T.S. Eliot


Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Tacitus


Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Tacitus


When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Talleyrand Charles-Maurice De


There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Tao Te Ching


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Tarkin Governor


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Tarkington Booth


Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Tarsus Paul of


You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Taylor Elizabeth


A word to the wise is enough.

Technology Aviation Week and Space


Art is anything you can get away with.

Temple Shirley


The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Tennant Harry


You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Terry Pratchett


The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Terry Pratchett


Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Texa J. Frank Dobie


When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Thatcher Margaret


It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The Outer Limits


I steal.

The Squirrels


... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Theophrastus


If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Thomas Dylan


What you don't know won't help you much either.

Thomas Dylan


Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Thomas J. Parnell


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Thomas Marlo


Man is by nature a political animal.

Thomas Marlo


Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

Thomas Norman


Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Thomas Carlyle


Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Thomas Dave


When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Thomas De Quincey


Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Thomas De Quincey


None love the bearer of bad news.

Thomas De Quincey


I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Thomas Jefferson


We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Thomas King


If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

Thomas Macaulay


Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Thomas W. Lamont


My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Thompson Dr. Hunter S.


We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Thompson Dr. Hunter S.


To lead people, you must follow behind.

Thompson H.S.


We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Thompson Hunter S.


Our swords shall play the orators for us.

Thompson Hunter S.


Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

Thompson Ken


Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

Thore Henry David


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Thoreau


One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Thoreau H.D.


Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Thoreau Henry David


... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Thoreau Henry David


The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Thoreau Henry David


Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Thoreau Henry David


Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Thoreau Henry David


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Thoreau Henry David


If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

Thoreau Henry David


I do desire we may be better strangers.

Thoreau Henry David


During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

Thoreau David Henry


When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

Thurber James


Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Thurber James


Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Thurber James


Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Thurber James


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Ti Chuck Shepherd


God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Tikkanen Henrik


I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

Tiselius Arne


Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Titus Livius


Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

Tobaben


The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Tocqueville Alexis de


The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Todd Ruthven Campbell


Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Tokugawa Shogun


Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Tolkien J. R. R.


"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

Tolkien J. R. R.


If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Tolkien J. R. R.


I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Tolkien J. R. R.


If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Tolkien J.R.R.


It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Tolkien J.R.R.


Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

Tolkien J.R.R.


Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Tolkien J.R.R.


British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Tolstoy


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Tolstoy


Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Tolstoy


Nothing recedes like success.

Tolstoy


"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Tolstoy Leo


A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

Tomash Erwin


Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Tomlin Lily


Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Tomlin Lily


I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Tomlin Lily


If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

Tomlin Lily


Tomlin Lily


Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Tomlin Lily


The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Tomlin Lily


The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

Tourbillon


Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

Toynbee Arnold Joseph


When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Tr Leon


The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.

Trend Motor


To use violence is to already be defeated.

Trend Motor


"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Trend Motor


But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

Trillin Calvin


I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Trilling Lionel


You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Trotsky


Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Trudeau P.E.


The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

Truman Harry


Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Truman Harry


I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

Truman Harry S.


Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

Truman Harry S.


The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Truman Harry S.


"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

Truman Harry S.


Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Truman President Harry S.


The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

Tsu Lao


Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Tsu Lao


I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Tsu Lao


The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.

Tsu Lao


It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Tsu Lao


A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Tsu Lao


The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

Tsu Lao


Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Tsu Lao


We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

Tsu Lao


Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Tsu Lao


Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Tsu Lao


Big book, big bore.

Tsu Lao


Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

Tsu Lao


A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

Tsu Lao


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Tuc The mayor of


A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

Turgenev


I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Turner Ted


The fact that it works is immaterial.

Turner Ted


We're all in this alone.

Tusser Thomas


Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Tusser Thomas


It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Twain Mark


A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Twain Mark


There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.

Twain Mark


Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

Twain Mark


When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Twain Mark


Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Twain Mark


Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Twain Mark


Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Twain Mark


Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Twain Mark


If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

Twain Mark


In charity there is no excess.

Twain Mark


I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

Twain Mark


What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Twain Mark


Business will be either better or worse.

Twain Mark


Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Twain Mark


"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Twain Mark


Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

Twain Mark


Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Twain Mark


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Twain Mark


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Twain Mark


Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

Twain Mark


XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Twain Mark


If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Twain Mark


Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

Twain Mark


After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Twain Mark


Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

Twain Mark


Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Twain Mark


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

Twain Mark


The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Twain Mark


As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

Twain Mark


I think we're in trouble.

Twain Mark


They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Twain Mark


I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Twain Mark


Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Twain Mark


For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Twain Mark


I think the world is run by C students.

Twain Mark


All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Twain Mark


"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Twain Mark


Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Twain Mark


The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Twain Mark


A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Twain Mark


Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

Twain Mark


With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Twain Mark


"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Twain Mark


The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Twain Mark


I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Twain Mark


"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

Twain Mark


He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Twain Mark


Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

Twain Mark


America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

Twain Mark


The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Twain Mark


When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

Twain Mark


There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Twain Mark


Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Twain Mark


What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Twain Mark


Forgive and forget.

Twain Mark


An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Twain Mark


[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Twain Mark


A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Twain Mark


I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.

Twain Mark


My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Twain Mark


Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Twain Mark


The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Twain Mark


You tread upon my patience.

Twain Mark


In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.

Twain Mark


When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Twain Mark


There is no fool to the old fool.

Twain Mark


Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Twain Mark


If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

Twain Mark


The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Twain Mark


Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

Twain Mark


The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Twain Mark


Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Twain Mark


"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Twain Mark


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Twain Mark


Language is a virus from another planet.

Twain Mark


Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

Twain Mark


"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

Twain Mark


There is no sin but ignorance.

Twain Mark


Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Twain Mark


You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Twain Mark


The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Twain Mark


Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Twain Mark


Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

Tweed Boss


Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

Tyger Frank


I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Tyroon Henry


Words have a longer life than deeds.

Tzu Chuang


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Tzu Chuang


Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

them! it only encourages


I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

they' and he points an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger. The old man goes home and his wife says "So aaaaaaaaaaaaaa





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Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Eliot George

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